Just this week, it was announced that Monarch and Centaurus were merging again, and administration from both schools were thrilled at the many opportunities that could arise. Sawyer Lucky, who works as a phone-taker-awayer at CHS, stated, “I can’t wait. I put so many fake QR codes up so I could catch people. I’m so glad I quit law school for this!” It seemed as though nothing could get in the way of the ostensibly inevitable success that was this merger, but one tiny problem has made some staff doubt the longevity of this experiment. A couple of Monaurus students, just twenty-one hundred or so, have initiated an all-out Civil War between the two student populations.
It started out small, with simple inappropriate Google searches on each other’s Chromebooks and destruction of people’s favorite pens, then it escalated to thumbtacks on seats and slippery substances on gym floors, and worst of all, students began filming fights with their… cellphones. Many teachers and staff have been freaking out. I snuck into the Teacher’s Lounge and one teacher went up to me, panicking, screaming, “The Centaurus side is calling themselves Centaurs! And the Monarch side Butterflies! Why didn’t we think of that in the first place?! What the […] kind of a mascot is a Warrior, anyway?! And Coyotes?! What […] thought of Coyotes!?”
It seems there’s not one inch of the school that isn’t going crazy. Chemistry teachers have complained about students using their equipment to explode rivals’ backpacks, physics teachers have complained about students calculating the result of a firework bursting out of a locker, and lunch lady Ocean Reamer reported that so much food was being stolen and thrown at other students that he considered getting a new job at McDonald’s. Higher-ups at BVSD were concerned too, as the excessive evacuations due to the numerous fire “accidents” resulted in poorer classroom attendance, and that this year’s SAT scores may be embarrassingly low due to so many Chromebooks being in two pieces.
I asked several students (Well, I only asked three because talking to people is scary) how they’ve been handling the war. The first one, Will Peakin Haiskool, is a Centaur fighting in the Civil War, “this […] Butterfly tried to knock my car off the big stack on Warrior War Jenga-style, so I…”, he laughed for several minutes before continuing his story, “Y’know, I went to the bathroom and found that the last guy didn’t flush. So with the help of a couple o’ comrades I picked up the toilet out the ground and soaked this […] in […].” I believe the second one was a Butterfly, but I couldn’t hear anything he was saying over the sound of hundreds of golf balls being launched out of the vending machines. The third one, Ava Rage, has been sick for several days, and told me, “It’s so nice being above average, now that the Monarch kids are here. Did I miss anything?”
To mitigate the crisis, BVSD announced numerous policy changes, beginning with stricter cellphone restrictions. The district also discussed the advantages of getting rid of the booths in the cafeteria, implementing a seven-period bell schedule, and punishing teachers for the rising number of failing student grades.
