This article was produced as part of our annual satire edition, and is entirely satirical. 

On April 1, 2023, students gathered to protest in favor of the right to park in the parking lot for first-semester sophomores and freshmen. Students believe that by allowing the entire student body to park in the parking lot, the Centaurus High School community will become stronger. This group of students is convinced that by increasing the volume of students, the already small lot will become a safe stress-free environment for the young inexperienced drivers.

A group of student advocates is bringing a petition to the state to allow students ages 14 and older to obtain a license. The leader of this advocacy group commented “We believe that all students deserve the right to drive to become more independent people. We also believe that this will allow our fellow students to feel more welcome in the community, and as we all know, recent middle school graduates have more than enough maturity to drive a car.”

For the past couple of weeks, students have been gathering signatures in favor of shrinking the size of the parking lot as well. They believe that a tight-knit parking lot leads to a tight-knit community. This plan will also allow for more open space and nature for students to enjoy. 

It was said that having students sit for long periods of time in traffic leads to better mental health awareness and allows a quiet time for students to value mindfulness further. This claim has been backed up by local yoga and meditation enthusiasts Bruce and Principal Ryan. A common saying in yoga states, “There is nothing quite like traffic to soothe the mind.”

Although some students argue that the parking lot is small enough, a rising number of students believe there is just a bit too much room to breathe. “Last week I was able to leave the parking lot in less than 20 minutes, it was absurd,” said the girl who doesn’t even go here. 

If you wish to support this noble cause, take a moment to sign the petition at https://chng.it/dHs6xstbV7 to allow more vehicles to park in the Centaurus parking lot, support student rights, and fight to allow those 14-year-olds onto the streets.