Last Friday, staff members at Centaurus voted unanimously to ban students from using any words deemed “ageist” or not “totally tubular.” A teacher who wishes to remain anonymous recently uncovered a plot to embarrass school staff by flooding classroom discussions and assignments with unauthorized words designed to interfere with education. In response, staff have created new standards that require teachers to instill traditional terms into their lessons, with the hopes of positively impacting the vocabularies of all students.
“This will allow us to return to a better time. A time when students could use the neurons in their brains to harness the elusive superpower known as ‘thought’,” said Mrs. Wollefgnol. When asked about the new rules, another teacher said, “Students were able to think back then. If it wasn’t for this new ‘slang’, we would probably have ourselves a cure for cancer within a couple of weeks.”
To help enforce the new policy, staff voted to create the Students Learning Appropriate Norms Group (SLANG), a new team of students dedicated to alerting the administration if they heard other students using negative terms such as “cap,” “basic,” and “mid.” One junior said that the new restrictions were “Da’ bomb.” He was thrilled to learn that students would also have the opportunity to listen to the “rad” music recommended by SLANG, a full playlist of which can be found here. He looks forward to making CHS a more inclusive place for people of all age groups.
Mr. Lobster expressed enthusiasm for the new rules. “I’m confident that confusion about the phrases will no longer “live rent-free” in my mind,” he said. Such phrases have not been outlawed for faculty. A teacher explained, “We staff members have mature brains and need to investigate these terms.” She continued, “We think it is only fair that adults should be able to look into the use of these phrases while we determine whether they are appropriate for our vulnerable students.” In a statement, Mr. Ifiwera-Senador, advisor of SLANG, stated that “any ‘opps’ caught in ‘4k’ acting ‘sus’ would be “ratioed” and expelled for being “mid students with no rizz”.
While there have been some complaints about the new policy, students are largely excited for the opportunity to use more inclusive slang. When a wannabe complained that the ban violated some bogus amendment, a gnarly dude snapped back: “Not even. Buzzkills that think they’re being bodacious by refusing to give up their inferior lingo need to take a chill pill.”Ecstatic, his ELA teacher awarded him extra credit for his “based” use of vocabulary.
The school issued a statement saying “So-called “Generation-Z” slang is meant to divide us. In these trying times, we need students and teachers to unite around safe, inclusive words. By gently encouraging students to express themselves with objectively superior slang, we can make the school a better place for all.”
The new regulations provided by SLANG can be viewed here.
This article was produced as part of our annual satire edition, and is entirely satirical.
