It seems that the student body has finally had it with the school’s vending machine prices, which notably rose this past January. The extra 50 cents was apparently a step too far for many mid-day snackers, and now hundreds from all grades at Centaurus High School have agreed enough is enough. A school-wide boycott that began with just a few unsatisfied students has now swept through the school, reaching all grades and threatening vending machine profits.

It’s fair to say that these vending machines weren’t incredibly popular from the get-go, with students citing flavorless goodies and laughable portion sizes. One displeased freshman remarked: “It’s crazy! We spend our hard-earned weekend wages to taste paste and half-satiate our hunger between classes. What a ripoff.” 

This student was clearly not alone, because vending machine purchases have nosedived since the recent price raise. This past quarter has seen the lowest profit from vending machine sales in years, and it’s all because the students are beginning to take matters into their own hands, right under  the noses of the Centaurus staff. 

In early February of this year, only a few weeks after the raise, an anonymous group of seniors (who still haven’t been caught) hatched their own plan to keep the Centaurus student body fed between classes. It’s reported that every weekend, the members go out and buy all the snack food a high school student could dream of. Cookies, chips of all types, 2-Liter bottles of grape Crush, entire jars of Cheese Balls, and from what our source claims, enough Fruit by the Foot to stretch across the football field; and much more. Then the group divides the food between their backpacks and carry the goodies into school on Monday morning without any suspicion from the faculty. Our  source would not reveal where the stash is hidden until sale, which is understandably the most secretive part of the process, but we have reason to believe it could be a combination of classrooms in which the students displace a certain ceiling tile and store the snacks above students’ and teachers’ heads. 

“We thought it was a brilliant idea” remarks one of the seniors involved (left anonymous by request). “It really was an issue, and the students deserve better. They shouldn’t have to leave the building or break the bank in order to get actual nourishment around here”. He added, “Our snacks are cheaper, come in larger sizes, and are things the students actually want to eat. We’re making a positive contribution to our community, and anyone who faults us for that can go back to the old bland stuff if they wish”. 

As luck would have it, no one seems to have gone back to the ‘old bland stuff’ from the vending machines, and no one has ratted them out either. According to our sources, even if someone tried to turn them in, their operation is so airtight they could never truly be caught. Just a few dedicated students have made quite the impact toward the cause of fair snacking for all, and the student body is grateful for it. It seems that with the help of good business and even better food, the reign of the crumbly potato sawdust and bitter apple juice has finally fallen for good.

“I can finally afford to eat a snack every day at school, and they have everything I like,” exclaims one satisfied sophomore. “Before, the portion sizes from the vending machines were so small that even if I could scrape up enough money to buy something, I was still hungry the rest of the day. That hasn’t been a problem for months.”

So, how do you get your hands on some of these day-saving snacks? Well unfortunately, if you don’t already know, we can’t tell you. If a faculty member were to read, it could jeopardize the operation, and we all wouldn’t want that. But… no one likes a gatekeeper, so maybe we can just say a few innocent clues, just to get you on the right path 😉

We know it’s by appointment only, and handed out in the bathrooms between classes. We’re also pretty sure that every grade level is assigned one of the four public bathrooms, because our mixed-grade sources all seem to point to a different place. We also can’t give you any names, as that would be obviously incriminating, and we promised anonymity to the volunteers willing to give us the inside scoop. But hey, if you’re really determined to get in on the action, why not spend some extra time in the bathroom to see if you can catch a sale, or prod at a few ceiling tiles in an empty classroom? You might just get lucky.

This article was produced as part of our annual satire edition, and is entirely satirical.