U.S.
Forgetting its Already Part of the U.S., Trump Declares War on Alaska
The 47th President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump, declared on Truth Social that the U.S. was going to war against Alaska. “They’re eating the ELK!!!” Mr. Trump said in his post. “The Evil LIBERAL War Criminals of Alakska [sic] must be stopped!” When asked whether he knew that Alaska was already part of the U.S., Mr. Trump responded by accusing the governor of Alaska of building windmills to kill off the local wildlife.
Supreme Court Rules Ignoring the Constitution is Constitutional
In the unanimous ruling, the Supreme Court rejected a case challenging the constitutionality of restricting freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and the principle of equal standing under the law, among other things. While the Court acknowledged that these are all rights enshrined in the U.S. Constitution, it declared that those rights violated the Constitution despite being a part of it. In the majority opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote, “the ratification of the Bill of Rights was a blatantly unconstitutional act by the first Congress of the United States. The Constitution is the supreme law of the land and was never meant to be amended in any way, shape, or form.” Legal experts have since pointed out that the Constitution itself contains a clause that allows it to be amended in multiple different ways, while admitting that it doesn’t really matter anymore. In the words of one scholar, “the Constitution was basically just put in a blender.”
The “Weird Cheeto” Industry is Booming
A rectangular Cheeto, sizing 200 x 100 feet large, was sold at an auction on March 17th to the billionaire Billy O’Nare for $40 billion. Not only is it the largest Cheeto in the world, but it is also engraved with the entire text of Leo Tolstoy’s novel War & Peace (causing it to be nicknamed “Cheetolstoy”), making it the most literary as well. This purchase came right after a Cheeto shaped like the Pokémon Charizard (also known as “Cheetozard”) sold for almost $90,000, showing how popular the unusual Cheeto industry has become. “Cheeto hunters”, who open up bags of Cheetos in the hopes of finding unusually shaped ones to sell, have taken to calling it the “Weird Cheeto” business. The Cheeto hunter who discovered Cheetolstoy claimed to have found it in a “normal” bag of Cheetos. This claim could not be confirmed because Frito-Lay does not produce any products large enough to hold a 2000 square foot Cheeto.
Europe
European Leaders Gather to Politely Ask Russia to Stop Invading Ukraine
At a historic conference on March 2nd, Prime Minister Keir Starmer of the U.K. announced that European powers would attempt a daring new strategy to end the war in Ukraine: asking Russia politely. Mr. Starmer emphasized that the effort would be led by a “coalition of the willing”, assuring other leaders that they would not be pressured into doing something so dangerous against their will. He added that this was a “turning point in history” and that he was “confident we will succeed” despite the enormous risk posed to the entire continent by doing almost nothing.
Asia
South Korean Military Bombs Capital by Mistake
The South Korean military bombed the South Korean capital of Seoul on March 12 in an apparent accident that left much of the city destroyed. The military apologized for its actions in a statement, claiming to have mistaken Seoul for a “dangerous North Korean military base that threatened the national security of the Republic of Korea”. Even so, citizens took to the streets to express their outrage over the destruction caused by the military. Many people wanted to know why the planes responsible for the bombardment did not realize what country they were in, though the military has not responded to questions. Former President Yoon Suk Yeol (see February’s edition) declared that this would have never happened if he had been allowed to fully impose martial law. “The military would have been far too busy arresting my political opponents. They would never have had the opportunity to bomb Seoul if only I was still in charge.”
