This article was produced as part of our annual satire edition, and is entirely satirical. 

At this point in the school year, pencils are a rare commodity. Teachers protect theirs like precious gems, and students beg each other for spares. But everyone had plenty at the beginning of the year—so where did they all go? The Troll staff did some investigating, and we uncovered something big; six feet wide, to be exact. 

As of April 1st, the Troll investigative team found a massive hoard of pencils hidden behind Centaurus. The pile was cleverly disguised using a mixture of leaves, grass, and various fast-food containers (of which there are plenty surrounding the school building, so this did not immediately arouse suspicion). No less than 3,000 writing utensils were found buried in this hole, ranging from classic number 2’s to fountain pens. The items seem to have been compiled over many months, likely stolen from classrooms and backpacks, or simply “borrowed” and never returned. 

Admin released a statement addressing the theft: “Centaurus does not condone the wanton theft of large amounts of pencils, pens, and other essential supplies,” they stated, “These items are crucial for student engagement and classroom effectiveness. The district puts real effort into making teachers pay for these supplies out of their own pockets. We are angered by this action, but also a little impressed by the creativity—it gets a little dull watching teachers suffer in the usual ways. We applaud the ingenuity of whoever did this; however, we strongly implore the thief to put that energy into their school work.”

Several students expressed relief at the discovery. “I’ve had 35 pencils disappear in the past week, you would think I would catch on. But I figured, I’m only getting 3 hours of sleep per night, maybe I just misplaced them,” described Dylan King, a freshman. Now that the hoard has been uncovered, there has been a rush to reclaim the writing utensils. Some students reported aggressive mobs, shouting, and even price gouging at the site of the hole. “It’s gotten really out of hand. The other day, someone called me a “waste of good oxygen” because I grabbed a blue mechanical pencil before they could. It was my pencil to begin with, I’ve been looking for it since January!” said Joe Smith, junior, who was on the verge of tears when recalling the encounter. 

Other students felt vindicated. Penny “Pencil” Stewart, founder of the CHS Pencil Prophets’, a club of students who promote various theories for the annual “Vanishing of The Pencils”, as they call it, said she “always knew [the pencils] were out there”. Stewart founded the Pencil Prophets in an effort to inform other students about the issue, claiming it is a “massive plot, orchestrated by the district to kick students when they’re down and then blame them for it.” (This statement has not been verified by the Troll staff). The Prophets advocate for further investigation of the regular disappearance of 90% of Centaurus writing utensils from the months of February-April. “There have to be more pencils out there. If you multiply the number of pencils bought on average by the number of students in the school, there’s no way one six-foot pit could hold an entire year’s worth of pencils. Where are the others? Where are they?,” reads an infographic posted to the club’s Instagram page. Admin took down several other posts made by the club, saying they were causing unnecessary disruption in the school community. 

The school has begun regulating the area around the pencil stash, and order is expected to return shortly as students and teachers are reunited with lost items. “Our hope is that everyone will be back to having a full pencil bag within the week, and we expect all problems in the school to be solved as a result. If they aren’t, oh well. That’s really the teacher’s problem anyhow, don’t look at us,” stated admin. 

It is still unknown who created the pit, and whether or not they were acting alone. Was it students? The district? The goat lady? More on this story as it develops. 

If you see or hear anything that might be relevant to this ongoing investigation, please DM us at @chswarriortroll on instagram.